Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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