Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize