At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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