all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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