I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
