Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
