im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Life is so much better after having sex.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
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