I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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