I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
