I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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