there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Randomize
