the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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