he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
