I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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