nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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