went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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