Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
