I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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