fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
His hands were made for my vagina.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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