Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
