I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
There are leaves in my underwear?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
