she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
