Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
