There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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