I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
