I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
