"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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