Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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