Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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