I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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