Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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