Cold hands, warm shart.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
