please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
