Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
