he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
