My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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