...so i touched it.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize