So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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