I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
