Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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