Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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