someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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