i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
