Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
