I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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