How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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