I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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