How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
