i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
