when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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