My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
