i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
