im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
