Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
