I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
