I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
