Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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