I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
