i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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